It all started with a fatal swipe and a promise to Aries’ everywhere that ‘my homebody days were numbered and I was about to meet an exotic, sultry stranger.’ A ‘visite de l’amour’ from Aphrodite herself, and before I knew it, I was tumbling into Tinder’s world of love and hookups.
Ask any dating expert, as in real “experts” other than me, because you should not be here for advice, they will say the key to successfully dating online and potentially meeting your match is to compare and contrast multiple people in real time by pitting them against each other to gage what you like and what you don’t, versus what qualities are important against those that aren’t.
I was going to find my match and have fun doing it by playing the game and being the cool girl running around LA like a “Sex in The City” pick-up artist.
Because isn’t that why we’re all doing this? Isn’t this why, no matter how it begins and despite what our true intentions are – Aren’t we all trying to swipe FOR someone? TO someone?
I simply saw all these the people like I see the world on most days. The weird, the normal, the good-looking, the not, all represented as snapshots or “postcard people,” like those we find in the picture frames that we buy, but who nevertheless all somehow finding the courage to show their lives to strangers in hopes of finding someone.
I convinced myself and everyone around me that I was a going to be a confident socialite with a carefree attitude who was going to date multiple people like a “Charlotte-esque” pick-up artist. This was the way modern people date and I was finally going to put my monogamous dating patterns to rest. I was going to do this! I was downloading apps, uploading photos and penning witty tag-lines highlighting my musical bookworminess. I was the sexy librarian who was jumping in the game and who was going to win!
And what gems of wisdom were tucked away in his bio? What did he say in that tiny space where I chose to mention my appreciation for art and musical bookworminess?
He was “Here for the inspiring quotes from blonds in bikinis”
Within a short amount of time, I soon found that the simple interactions in the form of swiping, ringing and messaging with such a wide variety of men, despite how confusing it all was, proved to be the catalyst and confidence boost that I needed in order to be the “cool” girl that I always wanted to be.
And I hated that.
What was I suppose to say? Are you the guy that I swiped right to approximately 72 hours ago?
I got over it. I overlooked his poor choice of facial hair, just as I overlooked his other imperfections that I would later learn about while systematically erasing the misses on my “must haves” list if I was the type of girl who had one.
Now after much anticipation, I’m finally at the part of the story that is supposed to be the height, the pinnacle, the CLIMAX! This is the part where where I tell you how I fell for a person who I right-swiped on one night after listening to my horoscope who told me that I was going to meet an “exotic, sultry stranger.” The only problem? I didn’t know where to meet said stranger and desperately wanted to make it so.
Was I suppose to say I couldn’t see him, even though I did in order to see someone else? Is that how the game that I said I didn’t want to play works?
And I didn’t want to play, because it felt like I didn’t have to. It felt like WE didn’t have to. This was real. B* wasn’t playing around. B* was taking charge at planning one date after another, all within a very short period of time. No resistance, no “I can’t see you tonight,” no wishy-washy-ness that men often display in dating. HE pushed and I followed. He got back to my text and I got back to his. HE took the lead and HIS lead was fast.
I. Was. Devastated.
But before I go on, I want whomever is reading this to understand how difficult it is to admit, albeit publicly that I, an educated, strong-willed, career-oriented, “I don’t need nobody!,” thirty-something was utterly devastated when I found out that someone I met on TINDER was concurrently seeing someone else during a month long romance.
It was ridiculous….
“I’m 35. I need to be sure.”
It turns out, we were both unsure, but in opposite respects.
I was sure that I wanted to see much more of him, because I was just that – unsure.
I was unsure if he was the one, but felt sure of the possibility.
B* on the other hand was unsure of me for reasons he couldn’t pinpoint.
But the one thing he was sure of, I wasn’t “The One.”
I Can’t Change – Part XV
I wanted to tell you all the positive things I learned about myself after this “almost something” with a man named B*.
I wanted to tell you how he taught me about conviction for who I am, the moral compass that resides in me and how I listen when it speaks. I learned that it’s important not to be so focused on finding “my person” that I forget that there are other people trying to do the same. I learned that in between the “Me’s,” we must also think of “THEM.”
This person influenced, taught and shared and I learned, because as much as I want to believe that we are our own people, Who teaches us to be human? To be People?
People teach us how to be people.
People have the ability to make us better by displaying their own faults.
People show us who we want or do not want to be.