The Heart Wants What It Wants…..
It’s been a trying time, my friends.
Whether I like it or not… and I “not,” I’m in winter, both literally like everyone, and figuratively where I’m desperately trying to catch the jet stream that will bring me out of this tired hibernation and into the stage of my life.
I’m caught in the doing and working. The doing of the work where I’m wondering what I’m doing. The doing that maybe isn’t…..working?!
Friends, I’m J and I’m a career crisis.
News to you I’m sure, but not to most who have known me as I am in the flesh for at least 5 minutes.
I’ve been in this place now for a short forever, so the fact that I’m writing about it after I’ve been broadcasting my doom and gloom regarding the fact that no one else in the world wants to hire me other than my current employer is laughable.
In short, for years I “was” working in my dream job that was swanky in every way other than money. I never could bring myself to leave, because who leaves the job that they’ve always wanted? But as time past, now the swanky isn’t so swanky and though my career chops are significantly sharper than they were when I started this adventure, new opportunities have been nill.
I have papered hundreds of companies and contacts with my resume (and yes, I’ve checked my info on said resumes a thousand times to make sure all my job offers weren’t going somewhere else), but sadly, that hasn’t been the case.
Anxious. Panic. Wonder. Distress.
All these feelings of what will happen next?
The hell with all these people I’ve dated!
What the hell is going to happen to me?
Yet despite my disregard for the “has beens” who have been in my life whenever I catch myself feeling sorry for myself, I can’t help but make a comparison between how I feel now and how I’ve felt when I was dating.
The teeter totter that we find ourselves on of “Does he like me?” “Will he call?” “Will this go somewhere?”
Up and down and up and down…..
Will THEY look at my resume? Will THEY call? Will this job go somewhere?
All these same feelings that we find ourselves WITH WHEN DEALING WITH completely different situations.
How is it possible to feel the same?
Is it true that we only have a few feelings that we switch and adapt to different situations?
Why do I feel the same now as I did about HIM then?
And then I began to wonder – Why do we do it? Why do we put ourselves through all these difficult LIFE things(?!) that are never easy.
This stuff that we attempt to navigate as we run towards a something.
Why do we do it?
Why do we put ourselves through all these emotions?
Do we do it because the heart wants what it wants?
Some will put themselves out there emotionally in a big way time because their heart wants to meet someone.
Some will spend hours honoring their craft because their heart wants to master it.
Some will dedicate their lives to doing good because their heart wants to help people.
Some will go back to school because their heart wants a fresh start.
We do what our heart wants, because the demands of our heart do not come free.
That’s something that I’ve been working on as the rejection letters roll on.
The heart wants what the heart wants and what the heart wants does not come free.
What does your heart want?