I Can’t Change – Tinder Tumble Six Date Stumble: Part XV

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Recently I read an interview with one of the writers from “Sex in The City” who admitted that there was talk of the beloved series ending differently, yet she says, “We felt a big responsibility to end the show right. And by having every character with somebody, it means that ultimately, the show is about finding love in the big city and we’re going to be optimists and say that everybody’s found it. Everybody’s happy.”

She also says, “We could have ended it saying, “The show isn’t about women finding love. It’s about the journey of self acceptance, about being happy with yourself and being single. Also, you don’t always get what you want—not everything you want, anyway.” But who’s gonna want to watch that?”

And she’s right. Who wants to watch, listen or talk about that? Who wants to talk about not finding love? Who wants to talk about choosing the opposite of the proverbial happily ever after?

I can say for sure that no one does due to the sheer fact that I experienced this firsthand when I started this blog and found that all the people who I talked to when I thought, hoped, and was in love suddenly went cold when I said that I didn’t think I was going to find him, nor did I want to put in the work to find him. I instead took the stance that there was not going to be a happily ever after and there was no Mr. Big, because not everyone gets that.

Now months later, I find myself in this precarious place where it’s finally time for me to write the conclusion to Tinder Tumble: Six Date Stumble. It’s finally time to tell you what I learned from this particular experience despite how tough it was for me to get to this point.

Initially I felt like I had an obligation to the readers that have been following me as I’ve slowly seeded out this story. Readers that I was never sure I would have because of the way this blog was set up. Are people really going to stick with me through this?

As a “Thank You,” I began to feel like I was not only obligated to tell a story, but I WANTED to tell a POSITIVE story about how I came out of this “almost” relationships an even better person. I wanted to tell a story that people want to hear.

I wanted to tell you all the positive things I learned about myself after this “almost something” with a man named B*.

I wanted to tell you how he taught me about conviction for who I am, the moral compass that resides in me and how I listen when it speaks. I learned that it’s important not to be so focused on finding “my person” that I forget that there this other person who I’m spending time with is trying to do the same. I learned that in between the “Me’s,” we must also think of “THEM.”

But then I realized that all these reasons are not the whole truth that I’ve tried so hard to curate here. With that being said, the truth is more important to me than telling a happy story. This isn’t a happy story.

I also learned some other things.

The most important being –

We are sometimes shaped by events that happen in our lives and no matter how desperate we want to change back to who we are and who we were, we can’t. We can’t, because we are now this new person.

And that is what happened here. This experience changed me so much in regards to dating and meeting that it makes me wish I could go back and unmeet the person who made me into this person.

I want to go back to the person I was before I became suspicious and distrusting. I want to go back to the person who believes that people’s actions and words are at least somewhat genuine. I want to say that I changed for the better and I want to give you a story of how this experience has made me better. I want to “un-see” the way B* looked at me.

Was it B* alone who did this? Probably Not. B* was simply the last nail in a box full of men that led me to this point. (And yes, I’ll get to them.)

In the beginning of this, I tried to change into someone else. Remember, I was going to be the big dater seeing multiple people without getting attached to one, but instead, I found out almost immediately that I couldn’t. I couldn’t be that person, nor could I change from who I am. I am me and whomever is able to do that isn’t wrong, they’re just different, just like the people who immerse themselves in the idea of dating, even though they aren’t sure about the person who they’re dating. They aren’t wrong either. They are different.

Now I find myself in the same predicament with the same feelings that I had when I started this story.

I find myself not being able to change, even back to the person I once was.

Published by

J

J is a happily single 30-something currently documenting her stories of love and loss. Her blog, “I Quit Dating” features excerpts of her journey as she reflects on the lessons learned from the men she loved. A complete collection of essays detailing her walk away from finding Mr. Right in order to pursue a more fulfilled life will be self-published next year. She recently moved from Los Angeles to New York. Contact: iquitdating (@) gmail.com

14 thoughts on “I Can’t Change – Tinder Tumble Six Date Stumble: Part XV”

  1. Yeah, those TV shows/movies will embellish just about anything for ratings.

    Learning the bigger truths can make a person miserable, but just the fact that you are writing all of this means you are opening up to it all, and changing.

    As the law of attraction goes, you’ll meet people who are like you, so becoming better in practice you will meet better people (not necessarily in the dating game sense).

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    1. Yes, I have changed but I don’t think it was positive….And it seems writing has made that even more true. Not all change is good…it’s just change.

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      1. It may sound like I’m being an optimist, but I would say it’s always positive moving forward. You just feel bad right now, and you’ll get over it.

        I used to feel like crap all the time, in how “the world was falling apart,” with my failed social life and the politics I got sucked into. But then I started writing a fiction novel, and everything changed. It allowed me to set up my fears and ideals the way real life never could. There I could tackle them, one by one, and realize nothing is actually bad, just improperly used sometimes.

        Find what’s right for you, not whom, first. You’re into literature, so maybe the fiction route could work for you too (just a suggestion).

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      2. I think what I’ve tried to convey is a difference between moving forward and us as people being changed. Sometimes we can’t go back to WHO we were. Yes, I can move on, but am I changed? Absolutely? For the better? I’m not sure. I don’t think this person made me better. That is fact. Some experiences are like that. This really isn’t a quest to find “whom.” Instead the opposite as I reflect on what I’ve learned from these people. Lots of good too. You just fell into one that wasn’t.

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      3. Technically, we’re not supposed to go back to who we were, but maybe retread some places, to reconcile or forgive or advance a skill. In whole we’re never the same, and for good reason. You’ve lost something, but have gained something in return (there’s always a balance).

        Sorry to sound like I’m coming off as insensitive, but no one can make us better or worse; there’s always consent in some way (though some people can cross the line in their own falls from grace, desperation). The pitfalls in life are both general and personal. Down the line you chose to play the game in a way similar to his, but you’re not him. You know better, and that’s all that matters here.

        Don’t let the lies get you down.

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  2. Knowing how much you appreciate my unsolicited feedback, I thought I’d give you a few more pearls of wisdom 😉
    I was listening to either a TEDtalk or a This American Life podcast, that was talking about Time. Sorry I can’t seem to find it to reference it for you. Anyway in one of the segments a few researchers asked people if they would travel back in time, what would they do? While people generally had a slew of answers, they found something interesting in the study. Older people mostly say they won’t travel in time. What does this have to do with your post you ask? Well when they interviewed some of those older people. They found that through their life experiences, older adults didn’t believe that changing something in the past would make a difference. Age has thought them that if they fixed one problem, a different one will take its place. Lol I’m not saying life is full of problems, and we should stop trying. What I am saying is that the older adults would rather spend time enjoying life, they’ve learnt that constantly pursuing problems and solving them was a feeble attempt, and they’d rather spend their time doing more important things.
    So it’s a bit like the situation you find yourself in. Before starting this blog you had a certain outcome in mind, despite your best efforts, you still ended up in the place you least wanted to be. While this seems discouraging, I have a different philosophy about why you’re at the place you are. I believe that the Universe/God, depending on your faith, gives you things in their right time. Perhaps while you desire a relationship, they’re still some things you need to learn first. If you were to get into a relationship, if you’re ill prepared for it, it might fail. So instead of focusing your energy on not being in a relationship, you can focus on gaining the things you need to be successful at that relationship. I also believe that you’re doing the latter by the way, I’m not sure if it’s obvious to you, but I sense that you’re growing and learning from this chapter of your life 😀

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    1. Thanks for that. I’ll have to try and find it. I prefer to take the stance that I’m becoming better for me and not for my next relationship.The outcome that is coming about from this blog is still true.Yes, these men have made me into a stronger person and I have learned, but this particular man in this particular story made me stronger in the wrong way. I learned the wrong things. That is truth.

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  3. But good stories are not the only stories that happen to people. That’s why we read what you write and we don’t expect it to turn out in a happily-ever-after-no-damage kind. Write on, pass your stories because if anyone wants to learn from them, s/he will.

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