Recently I read an interview with one of the writers from “Sex in The City” who admitted that there was talk of the beloved series ending differently, yet she says, “We felt a big responsibility to end the show right. And by having every character with somebody, it means that ultimately, the show is about finding love in the big city and we’re going to be optimists and say that everybody’s found it. Everybody’s happy.”
She also says, “We could have ended it saying, “The show isn’t about women finding love. It’s about the journey of self acceptance, about being happy with yourself and being single. Also, you don’t always get what you want—not everything you want, anyway.” But who’s gonna want to watch that?”
And she’s right. Who wants to watch, listen or talk about that? Who wants to talk about not finding love? Who wants to talk about choosing the opposite of the proverbial happily ever after?
I can say for sure that no one does due to the sheer fact that I experienced this firsthand when I started this blog and found that all the people who I talked to when I thought, hoped, and was in love suddenly went cold when I said that I didn’t think I was going to find him, nor did I want to put in the work to find him. I instead took the stance that there was not going to be a happily ever after and there was no Mr. Big, because not everyone gets that.
Now months later, I find myself in this precarious place where it’s finally time for me to write the conclusion to Tinder Tumble: Six Date Stumble. It’s finally time to tell you what I learned from this particular experience despite how tough it was for me to get to this point.
Initially I felt like I had an obligation to the readers that have been following me as I’ve slowly seeded out this story. Readers that I was never sure I would have because of the way this blog was set up. Are people really going to stick with me through this?
As a “Thank You,” I began to feel like I was not only obligated to tell a story, but I WANTED to tell a POSITIVE story about how I came out of this “almost” relationships an even better person. I wanted to tell a story that people want to hear.
I wanted to tell you all the positive things I learned about myself after this “almost something” with a man named B*.
I wanted to tell you how he taught me about conviction for who I am, the moral compass that resides in me and how I listen when it speaks. I learned that it’s important not to be so focused on finding “my person” that I forget that there this other person who I’m spending time with is trying to do the same. I learned that in between the “Me’s,” we must also think of “THEM.”
But then I realized that all these reasons are not the whole truth that I’ve tried so hard to curate here. With that being said, the truth is more important to me than telling a happy story. This isn’t a happy story.
I also learned some other things.
The most important being –
We are sometimes shaped by events that happen in our lives and no matter how desperate we want to change back to who we are and who we were, we can’t. We can’t, because we are now this new person.
And that is what happened here. This experience changed me so much in regards to dating and meeting that it makes me wish I could go back and unmeet the person who made me into this person.
I want to go back to the person I was before I became suspicious and distrusting. I want to go back to the person who believes that people’s actions and words are at least somewhat genuine. I want to say that I changed for the better and I want to give you a story of how this experience has made me better. I want to “un-see” the way B* looked at me.
Was it B* alone who did this? Probably Not. B* was simply the last nail in a box full of men that led me to this point. (And yes, I’ll get to them.)
In the beginning of this, I tried to change into someone else. Remember, I was going to be the big dater seeing multiple people without getting attached to one, but instead, I found out almost immediately that I couldn’t. I couldn’t be that person, nor could I change from who I am. I am me and whomever is able to do that isn’t wrong, they’re just different, just like the people who immerse themselves in the idea of dating, even though they aren’t sure about the person who they’re dating. They aren’t wrong either. They are different.
Now I find myself in the same predicament with the same feelings that I had when I started this story.
I find myself not being able to change, even back to the person I once was.