I’m Not “The One” – Tinder Tumble: Six Date Stumble – Part XIV

“I’m 35. I need to be sure.”

It turns out, we were both unsure, but in opposite respects.

I was sure that I wanted to see much more of him, because I was just that – unsure.

I was unsure if he was the one, but felt sure of the possibility.

B* on the other hand was unsure of me for reasons he couldn’t pinpoint. “I don’t know…. I don’t know…. But I adore you.” He said. (Yes, he used “adore”….)

But the one thing he was sure of, I wasn’t “The One.”

I know this, because just like I did in this story, I hunted down for what I felt I deserved.

THE TRUTH.

Because I’ve never received it without a good shakedown. Evidently he adored me, but not enough to provide THE TRUTH ON HIS OWN.

“Why did you push so hard? You must have known I wasn’t seeing anyone else.” I asked.

“I wanted to spend time with you.” He said, “But there was this other person. I was confused. Yes, I did know I was the only guy.”

“I wish you could feel like I feel right now,” I said.

At 31, I thought I was immune to much of this – that hot and heavy youthful lovesick that seeps into your soul and makes you forget that there’s heartbreak in the world, let a lone the fact that I’ve experienced it before.

I was guarded, even more so now that I’ve traded in my idealistic twenties for my realistic thirties.

But it was the way he looked at me that made me second guess, that made me say, “I need to give him an honest chance. He’s not like the others.” It was that look that I would end up grieving for. That look, that I felt B* took from another guy. That look that said, ‘you’re the only girl in the room, possibly in the world.’

(I wasn’t).

It seemed so real that I found myself finally realizing what they meant in “He’s Just Not That In To You.” I was finally experiencing the drive, energy and ACTION that guys exhibit when they like someone. They call, they text, they plan dates, they want to see you, they don’t play hard to get, they aren’t fleeting “evasiveness.”

Yet as fast as the temperature rose, that’s how fast they froze. One day I was thinking that I met someone really special and the the next he was telling me he’s been seeing another “someone special” who he met around the same time as me.

(In case you’re curious, the other girl didn’t last much longer than me.)

So here we are- Swiping, Meeting, Kissing, Seeing Someone Else, Talk, Demise, Closure.

Now it was time to move on!

Yet despite receiving the closure that I sought, I still had trouble with just that. I had trouble moving on.

I couldn’t stop asking myself, Is what he did really wrong? (I don’t think so. I think he was more selfish than wrong).

Was his ‘pushing’ his way of trying to make it work with me since we did in so many areas? (I think so).

Did I get a fair shake when there was someone else standing in the wings? ( I don’t think so, even though an argument can be made that if I was “The One,” no one else would matter).

Most importantly – Am I blaming him for not following my moral compass? (YES!!!)

The question – Where is our moral compass when we’re involved with people we don’t know well or  don’t owe anything to?  No ties… no obligations…..How are we supposed to treat an ‘almost stranger?’

The Full Story

Published by

J

J is a happily single 30-something currently documenting her stories of love and loss. Her blog, “I Quit Dating” features excerpts of her journey as she reflects on the lessons learned from the men she loved. A complete collection of essays detailing her walk away from finding Mr. Right in order to pursue a more fulfilled life will be self-published next year. She recently moved from Los Angeles to New York. Contact: iquitdating (@) gmail.com

14 thoughts on “I’m Not “The One” – Tinder Tumble: Six Date Stumble – Part XIV”

  1. Ugh. I’m sorry, J.

    For what it’s worth, I agree that your expectations weren’t unreasonable. He hit the gas, took the wheel and all but said you were going to the land of exclusivity. Because that’s what people do when they want to go there – they grab the wheel, hit the gas and leave everyone else behind…

    As to your question, I think it’s okay to expect a certain amount of decency, even from strangers, and especially when dating. “Leading on” may be commonplace, but that still doesn’t make it right. B knew he was the only one you were seeing and encouraged the expectations you had, despite knowing his situation and/or feelings weren’t the same.

    True, he might have been genuinely confused, but I think most adults would agree: that’s not fair.

    However, perhaps that’s what dating is for – to make sure you find someone with a moral compass similar to yours. Someone who stands with you and says, no, that’s not okay, and I would never do that, and how awful that happened, and I will never do that to you. The rest reveal themselves and get weeded out before it’s too late. Perhaps that’s the silver lining with B*.

    Like

    1. Thanks so for your kind words. I think we live in the same world Dragon! Yes..there are silver linings..one of which you mentioned. The next post is wrapping this up with “What I Learned…..”

      Like

  2. I think even if you’re “dating” someone (or maybe dating, or talking to, or hanging out with, whatever…) that if they’re weighing their options between you and someone else, it’s not a love worth having. Nobody wants a mediocre love.

    Like

  3. I always think when you are single, even in the early days you have no ties to the other person. You are both ‘free’ and so if he wanted to shag everything with a pulse, until you make that commitment, he is doing nothing wrong. However, as far as I am concerned if ‘he’ is interested in me then he shouldn’t want to be screwing everything with a pulse. Does that make sense?

    Like

    1. Absolutely. That makes sense. He’s not wrong, but Is it really right? He actually wasnt sleeping with me or her. At least that’s what he said, but i have my doubts. This was an emotional ride only.

      Like

      1. It’s a grey area. I wouldn’t stop seeing someone if i found out they were dating other people when we were ‘in the very early days of meeting for dates’ but I would think less of them if they were sleeping with people during this time and it would put me off!

        Like

      2. Every situation is different. I shy away from taking that stance in THIS STORY about it being a grey area, because I don’t believe that is the situation that was being set up. I don’t believe that it’s ok to date multiple people every time during every stage of early dating. I think one commentator on my last post nailed it. It’s being conscience of what expectations “the driver” is literally setting up that are based on the pure facts of what is happening and not ones based on imagination or hope.

        Like

  4. I struggle with that same question. It’s less about our own moral compass and more about our level of trust. We want to see the best in the people we meet.

    On the one hand, I’d hate to keep myself completely guarded – walls up, emotions withheld – any time I meet someone new as I feel this could potentially hurt the growth of an actual relationship. But when you trust openly, unconditionally, that’s when you get hurt.

    Over the years, I’ve decided that hurt isn’t necessarily a bad thing. We get over it, we move on. That hurt keeps us alive and means that we appreciate the happy moments in life that much more. Being guarded, holding back, protecting ourselves… I think that only serves to make us more jaded in the long run. So I say embrace that young naive side that wants to believe in the words he says, that the moments you share mean something and are leading to something more.. Because if you don’t, you’re still no further ahead than you are right now.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks so much for coming by and commenting.
      I see what you’re saying, however in this case, I’m asking about the moral compass of the person opposite of me. I trusted him. It’s not my moral compass that I’m questioning. I did nothing wrong to him. In this story, B* was the driver and I was the passenger. If the driver is setting the speed, which he was – I’m saying – It’s up to them to protect the passenger if they are driving us into a lane that they aren’t sure they want to be in or are driving more than one passenger at one time. It’s not about me protecting me, it’s about them protecting the other who has fallen harder.

      Like

      1. Ah, my apologies. I misread that. Sadly, I don’t think their moral compass often comes into play when it comes to dating & sex. Or at least, not with the men who play these types of games. It’s more like being the passenger on a motorcycle than in a car.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. No problem. Hope you’re ok with the correction. I just wanted to clarify the good and bad parties. Him = Bad, Me= Good! lol! You’re completely on point. The problem is – sometimes we don’t even know we’re playing the game!

        Like

Please Share Your Thoughts

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s