“I’m 35. I need to be sure.”
It turns out, we were both unsure, but in opposite respects.
I was sure that I wanted to see much more of him, because I was just that – unsure.
I was unsure if he was the one, but felt sure of the possibility.
B* on the other hand was unsure of me for reasons he couldn’t pinpoint. “I don’t know…. I don’t know…. But I adore you.” He said. (Yes, he used “adore”….)
But the one thing he was sure of, I wasn’t “The One.”
I know this, because just like I did in this story, I hunted down for what I felt I deserved.
Because I’ve never received it without a good shakedown. Evidently he adored me, but not enough to provide THE TRUTH ON HIS OWN.
“Why did you push so hard? You must have known I wasn’t seeing anyone else.” I asked.
“I wanted to spend time with you.” He said, “But there was this other person. I was confused. Yes, I did know I was the only guy.”
“I wish you could feel like I feel right now,” I said.
At 31, I thought I was immune to much of this – that hot and heavy youthful lovesick that seeps into your soul and makes you forget that there’s heartbreak in the world, let a lone the fact that I’ve experienced it before.
I was guarded, even more so now that I’ve traded in my idealistic twenties for my realistic thirties.
But it was the way he looked at me that made me second guess, that made me say, “I need to give him an honest chance. He’s not like the others.” It was that look that I would end up grieving for. That look, that I felt B* took from another guy. That look that said, ‘you’re the only girl in the room, possibly in the world.’
It seemed so real that I found myself finally realizing what they meant in “He’s Just Not That In To You.” I was finally experiencing the drive, energy and ACTION that guys exhibit when they like someone. They call, they text, they plan dates, they want to see you, they don’t play hard to get, they aren’t fleeting “evasiveness.”
Yet as fast as the temperature rose, that’s how fast they froze. One day I was thinking that I met someone really special and the the next he was telling me he’s been seeing another “someone special” who he met around the same time as me.
(In case you’re curious, the other girl didn’t last much longer than me.)
So here we are- Swiping, Meeting, Kissing, Seeing Someone Else, Talk, Demise, Closure.
Now it was time to move on!
Yet despite receiving the closure that I sought, I still had trouble with just that. I had trouble moving on.
I couldn’t stop asking myself, Is what he did really wrong? (I don’t think so. I think he was more selfish than wrong).
Was his ‘pushing’ his way of trying to make it work with me since we did in so many areas? (I think so).
Did I get a fair shake when there was someone else standing in the wings? ( I don’t think so, even though an argument can be made that if I was “The One,” no one else would matter).
Most importantly – Am I blaming him for not following my moral compass? (YES!!!)
The question – Where is our moral compass when we’re involved with people we don’t know well or don’t owe anything to? No ties… no obligations…..How are we supposed to treat an ‘almost stranger?’