How Could I Be So Stupid? – Tinder Tumble: Six Date Stumble XIII

I. Was. Devastated.

But before I go on, I want whomever is reading this to understand how difficult it is to admit, albeit publicly that I, an educated, strong-willed, career-oriented, “I don’t need nobody!,” thirty-something was utterly devastated when I found out that someone I met on TINDER was concurrently seeing someone else during a month long romance.

It was ridiculous….

…and embarrassing….

….and humiliating….(though that probably falls in the same category as embarrassing).

….and pathetic….

How could I be so stupid? How could I have let myself fall for this guy?

Where was I? What did I miss? What light did I read as green that was really yellow or red?

I felt misled…..burned…..manipulated….FOOLISH!

I was mad at myself for thinking that he would only be dating me when he was a swipe away from so many others, and even more upset that I FOLLOWED him towards nowhere, where I thought we were going somewhere.

How could I have been so gullible to fall for this after nearly a decade of dating?

How did I not see that this guy was well-versed in the art of dating?

And I wanted to lie. I wanted to lie like I did when I told the story of how I met B* in Barnes and Noble, instead of the real reality that we met each other by trolling on Tinder. That little fib about the great guy that was told so many times that even I began to believe it.

Only this time I wanted to lie by saying I was fine, that it didn’t bother me, and that I “had a feeling” that this was happening.

“I’ve just been too busy to line up other dates. I’ve been meaning to.”

“This is no big deal. We met on Tinder. Of course he’s dating other people.”

I even tried lying to myself, changing myself, pretending I was someone else…just like I did in the beginning of all this.

I tried not to care.

Saying is believing.

Lying is believing.

If I tell this story enough times I will believe it.

I will stop feeling like a fool…..

And I did, but not before learning a few things about myself.

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J is a happily single 30-something currently documenting her stories of love and loss. Her blog, “I Quit Dating” features excerpts of her journey as she reflects on the lessons learned from the men she loved. A complete collection of essays detailing her walk away from finding Mr. Right in order to pursue a more fulfilled life will be self-published next year. She recently moved from Los Angeles to New York. Contact: iquitdating (@)

10 thoughts on “How Could I Be So Stupid? – Tinder Tumble: Six Date Stumble XIII”

  1. I think we all dwell! And as I am currently experience it myself, you can’t help but fall! I am very aware that at the moment I my moods are directly related to whether or not a certain guy is contacting me (and this can be one of a couple of guys) I don’t want any guy to have this much sway over my feelings, yet he does, they do.


  2. It was a beautiful lie. There was no way you could know unless you went in with a cynic’s heart. From what I’ve read, you’re not that hardened, and I believe that to be a good thing.

    I place the blame with him – as a dude, I am conscious of the expectations that I set up if I pursue that hard. Namely that the girl will think she is the only person I’m dating. And she would be correct, since personally, I’d never go that full tilt unless she was the only one.

    Did he mislead you? Yes. Was he conscious of it? I believe so. Is it manipulative? If you’re conscious of it, then yes…I also don’t believe the “but he was on Tinder, so I should have known” line. I have plenty of friends on Tinder who would never be that balls to the wall (pardon the expression, but it fits), if they were dating multiple women simultaneously.

    Don’t beat yourself up too much. Being hopeful isn’t bad. Sure, it leads to more heartache, but in life, I believe being hopeful serves you more in the long run. If that makes me naive, then so be it.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I think in a way we’re all fools. What Iran is that we put ourselves into situations and we imagine it playing out much different, despite what the actual signs tell you.
    I’m a bit of a romantic, and not in the “let me by you flowers for no reason!” But rather that I imagine things playing out in my head, not that I have an alternate reality or anything. Ok before I loose you, let me explain a bit better, I hope. I tend to plan things out before I do them, so let’s use dating as an example, I would imagine a date going well, saying and doing all the right clever things, and that we’d hit it off. Then embark on an incredible and exciting together. I tend to imagine the best playing out in many situations. While it’s ok to fantasize about your date going well, at some point I’ll have to actually go in that date, and see how it actually goes, rather than putting all those great expectations on it. As you said how can an “educated, strong willed, career oriented…” Fall into that trap. I think for us we have so many things going, for once we just want something to be easy. Of course reality tells us that dating is anything but easy. It involves people, and people are inherently complicated and sometimes a bit full of ourselves.
    So don’t beat yourself up too much, lol I guess welcome to the thirty-somethings educated, career oriented, strong willed, and totally single club 😀


    1. We did go on the date. In fact all my interactions with B* were easy. Nothing was forced which is why I was so upset by this. That is fact…..But I have my theories which I will introduce. I agree on the people being full of themselves though….ME! ME! ME! = problem.


      1. Some people are just not mature enough to be honest OR have become so jaded by the “dating” culture that they forget what it really means to connect with someone. What you described is a HUGE part of the reason why I stopped dating. I just got tired of the games and what I felt was a lack of honesty. I mean we are all adults (supposedly). Just lay the cards on the table so I know what I am dealing with. *sigh* Yet our search will continue.


  4. Reblogged this on My random thoughts and commented:
    I can totally relate… And I often dwell on it for way too long. It’s a hard way to be so invested, so twitterpated towards someone who is so good at dating… so good at making you feel special, among making many others feel just as special, if not more.

    Liked by 1 person

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