I. Was. Devastated.
But before I go on, I want whomever is reading this to understand how difficult it is to admit, albeit publicly that I, an educated, strong-willed, career-oriented, “I don’t need nobody!,” thirty-something was utterly devastated when I found out that someone I met on TINDER was concurrently seeing someone else during a month long romance.
It was ridiculous….
….and humiliating….(though that probably falls in the same category as embarrassing).
How could I be so stupid? How could I have let myself fall for this guy?
Where was I? What did I miss? What light did I read as green that was really yellow or red?
I felt misled…..burned…..manipulated….FOOLISH!
I was mad at myself for thinking that he would only be dating me when he was a swipe away from so many others, and even more upset that I FOLLOWED him towards nowhere, where I thought we were going somewhere.
How could I have been so gullible to fall for this after nearly a decade of dating?
How did I not see that this guy was well-versed in the art of dating?
And I wanted to lie. I wanted to lie like I did when I told the story of how I met B* in Barnes and Noble, instead of the real reality that we met each other by trolling on Tinder. That little fib about the great guy that was told so many times that even I began to believe it.
Only this time I wanted to lie by saying I was fine, that it didn’t bother me, and that I “had a feeling” that this was happening.
“I’ve just been too busy to line up other dates. I’ve been meaning to.”
“This is no big deal. We met on Tinder. Of course he’s dating other people.”
I even tried lying to myself, changing myself, pretending I was someone else…just like I did in the beginning of all this.
I tried not to care.
Saying is believing.
Lying is believing.
If I tell this story enough times I will believe it.
I will stop feeling like a fool…..
And I did, but not before learning a few things about myself.