For awhile, I didn’t think it was worth it. I didn’t think the brief time that I had with S*, the time where I was, or at least I thought I was, more than a long-time friend was worth the cost of losing him all together. I felt jipped…taken advantaged of…cheated. I wondered how I could have been so callus as to put us and our friendship on the line. But time passed and as my feelings began to manifest and take shape, I began to think about the risk we took. What would or would not have happened had we not taken that gambled? Would we still be friends? What kind of dynamic would we have? And I then realized that there is something far worse than losing everything in a risky game…and that is living with regret.
There’s no denying that even though we were friends, there were times when our sub-conscience spoke in the words of soft touches, unintentional New Year’s kisses, seductive glances, and “Twilight” like moments when we both reached to change the station in the car at the same time. It was in those moments and the ones that came after that made me wonder if the person that I was looking for could be standing right in front of me. Was I missing something? Were we missing something? In saying that, the thing that brought me the most peace after all was said and done was the sheer absence of regret. The absence of those ideas that we were meant to be that also gave way to a sense of gratefulness . A gratefulness that I was never going to be sitting in a church full of people on the day he was marrying someone else thinking, “It’s too late.”